Don’t Judge Me

Imagine this:

You come home and these 2 guys are there sarcastically judging the day you’ve had.

Bye!

No joke I found this on my walk today:

I was really hoping it said: “I’m leafing now. See you tomorrow.”

Squirrels have iphones

Squirrel

Ordered groceries.  My ongoing hilarity with squirrels for a second or third decade: he ate 1 bite out of 3 different bags from 2 bags. Yes, they touched 6 bagels out of 12

Why he couldn’t just eat 1 bagel and leave the rest alone is beyond me. Actually, it’s not beyond me.  It’s because it’s personal and targetted. Like all the other things they’ve done to my houses.

😂😂

I wonder if the squirrel got the same text. 

They knew when to go to the door, (yes bagels were in plastic, but somehow they smelled it, or should i say: were alerted by a text)

And they knew to “enjoy your order”. Which they did, until i opened the door. 

They have iphones.  Guaranteed!

It is funny to think they have iphone! 

If it wasn’t suspicious.  They had pizza once and knocked on my window to come in. Knocked. So obviously they ordered pizza and were trying to make a truce. 

They looked right at me, like, dude, open the door. The pizza is here. 

Or had planned a pizza party and didn’t expect me to be home, AND i locked the door.  So they were miffed. 

If they have pizza, they have iphones. 

Cruisin’

I think one of the heights of laziness is constantly relying on cruise control when driving so there is less pressure needed on your leg and foot to drive. Why not? This way your right leg won’t be so much stronger and bigger than your left.

Sperm Bank

A friend said the only way she could have kids at this point was to go to a sperm bank. But she didn’t know how to explain what to call the dad when the kid got old enough to ask. A man at the restaurant booth nearby leaned over and said “How about Pop Cycle”.

Just for Today

Collision

I just saw a commercial that claimed they can “take care of all your collision and restoration needs”. So if you ever need your car to be smashed up and fixed, they can do it. Good to know. Ridiculous wording for the ad.

Funny though.

Gym Goals

I just joined a gym with a good friend of mine. They stressed the importance of setting realistic achievable goals. So I did. My goal when there with her is to always make her laugh until she pees herself. She has a weak bladder.

Silly Sigmund

“I have to go adjust my skirt. My Freudian slip is showing.”

-Charlie

RE: Going Postal

I never understood why employees at the post office “go postal”. It’s not like they go nuts from the toxins of licking the postage stamps. They leave that for us. It can’t be because their job never ends and is so repetitive. That just means more job security for them. If it is because the bags are too heavy, they can just make more trips. They have the special protection from the dogs. It must be the thoughts of all those secrets in each envelope that they can’t read because it’s illegal. The curiosity of what’s inside is making them nuts. Phew, figured it out.

-Charlie